bird by bird.

I want to be a writer, plain and simple. So, what's holding me back, you say?  Myself.  If anyone reading this has any daunting tasks that they have been perpetually procrastinating, start writing a book-- I swear you will complete those pesky little chores.

The first, notable, time I recognized my "hesitation" towards the writing process was in 2010.  Yes, I've known I wanted to write years prior to that, however, it wasn't until 2010 that I realized I could.  The first obstacle: the perfect writing desk.  Admittedly, I'm quite picky when it comes to furniture I surround myself with; the pieces have to speak to me, have a feeling.  Shocking, the social worker in training, makes everything about feelings.  I even associate letters with feelings.  I always  confuse the words "sweet" and "sweat", because the double "ee", to me, indicates a salty feeling.  So naturally, I believe the word "sweet" and "sweat" should reverse in meaning.  Get my point, I'm fucking difficult.  So purchasing the desk was the death of me.

When I finally purchased the perfect desk, I wanted the perfect location.  This wasn't too difficult, and not very time consuming.  Next, was the art to inspire me.  This took months.  I finally got to the point that I turned on sad music, as I often do when I paint, got drunk and created the perfect canvas.  Done.  Finally, I needed to sit down and WRITE.  There was only one problem: EVERYTHING.  Any and all distractions got to me.  I worked out more.  I cooked more.  I went to the dentist more.  How frustrating this life was.

You may be pondering that it is currently 2012 and I am discussing irritations from over 2 years ago, why?  Well, the answer is also simple: I've still been procrastinating.  Sure, I've had my bouts of inspiration and productivity, but overall, I've neglected that part of myself.  This is my final straw.  One of my good friends once told me that the great thing about myself is that when I say I'm going to do something I always follow through.  It was a wonderful compliment, but I believe he is full of shit.  Yes, I do always get what I want, because I work at it until I obtain it.  But I mainly feel like one lazy bastard.  Maybe everyone feels this way, I don't know?  What I do know, is that I'm tired of it.

I have ideas, hell I even have an outline for a book, but I'm only a whopping 20 pages in.  What defeat... Or is it?  One of my closest friends recently listened to my frustrations and aspirations, and magically produced this wonderful gem: Bird by bird, by Anne Lamott.  To say I'm in love is an understatement.  Her encouraging, yet realist, writing style is as comforting and freshly clean sheets.  Today.  THIS VERY DAY, I will start churning out material every day.  Things I've learned so far:

1) Write every day.
2) "Good writing is about telling the truth." - Anne Lamott.  And, boy, do I have a lot of truths to express.
3) This is something I've already known, but chapter one quickly reenforced it for me: I write because I want to, and I think I'm good at it.  Actually, those thoughts are the same as the poet John Asbery and Flannery O'connor, respectively.  My work may not be well written, at times, but they are my stories.  I think everyone has a story to tell, I just hope I will find the focus to get mine on paper. 
4) Finally, and most important: see rule number 1.

If you are bored with this progression, then I would suggest not continue to follow me.  If things go right, which I hope they do, I will be posting god-awful stories, with topics ranging from my childhood to my favorite Real Housewife.  Be warned. 

Oh, I almost forgot: bird by bird.  Anne Lamott describes how, once upon a time, her father, also an author, advised her younger brother to tackle a book report on birds... Bird by bird... So, I guess my future endeavors will be one bird, then the next.  Bluejay's have always been my favorite.. Guess that's what I'll start with, the bluejay. 

Regards,
G.

Knowledge is power

If you had to pick one aspect of your life that has taken precedence over the past 5 years, what would it be?

This is the thought that has been plaguing me lately.  I decided it would be best if I could pin it down to one word: Knowledge. 

What exactly is knowledge, anyway?  To me, it has been the last 5 years and my future.  It is a living, breathing, word.  It is what inspires me. 

Here is what I've learned from knowledge:

Knowledge can be learned through experience.

Of course knowledge is learned through experience. Duh.  But, I find it very important to recognize lessons that I've learned, no matter how ridiculous or obvious they may seem.  Yes, knowledge is taught, but an experience has to be learned; it wouldn't be an experience if it wasn't.  I've recognized that I learn best through experience. 

Even though it is important for me to learn through experience, it is equally important for me to prepare myself with "taught knowledge".  "Taught knowledge" is what allows me to exercise my "experienced knowledge" and strive for fulfillment. 


Knowledge does not constitute wisdom.

Some of the brightest people I know are, gently spoken, not very wise. Personally, I consider myself to be wise, however I don't believe wisdom is fully learned, as knowledge often is.  I do believe that one must inherently posses certain qualities that enable one to access their wisdom, such as empathy, patience, and the ability to forecast thoughts, among other things. However, I further believe that those "certain" qualities that allow one to be wise can be learned, through knowledge.  I suppose, much like most things in life, one must have the desire to seek wisdom and strive for constant achievement.  Overall, I don't think wisdom is fully obtained; I think it is a state of constant reflection and mistakes, which is why I consider myself to be wise. 

Knowledge does not save you... all the time.

I was telling my boyfriend the other day that I make a lot of mistakes, but I rarely make the same one twice.  Eventually, I'm bound to go through all of them, right???  Regardless, knowledge allows me to recognize the incongruities within myself, but doesn't protect me from initially making mistakes.  I'm okay with that balance, as long as I can continue to recognize my faults, which is why knowledge is so important to me. 


Knowledge is something I constantly seek.  It allows me to heal from the past while seeking a brighter future.  Knowledge is the key component of my life continuum.  What is the key to yours?

Regards,
Garrett Paul

Break the Chain

"You can look at your past, recognize the noise and how it is holding you back, and choose to go a different way. But you can't live your life looking in the rearview mirror to see who you are. Look yourself straight in the eye. That's the real you. You get to decided what comes next. Stop getting in your own way, and stop telling yourself you can't. Because you can." - Bethenny Frankel

Childhood noise:
1) Being Gay
As early as I can remember, I recall thinking: I'm going to hell because I'm gay. What horrible thoughts for a child to have; to be in constant fear of eternal damnation. Now this thought wasn't imposed on me by any particular person, just religion in general. Even though my childhood religion (southern Baptist) may seem adverse, I'm very thankful for it. I loved going to church with my family and having something to believe in. It wasn't until I left my wife, approximately 4 years ago, that I decided I'd probably come out of the closet. That is when I decided that any 4 year old should not fret about heaven or hell. I determined that it was okay that I worried about homosexuality as a child, but will no longer let the thoughts control me. I am who I am. I literally was born this way. I released this childhood noise.

2) Being Epileptic
This was sort of beyond my control, but looking back over my childhood, caused me a lot of anxiety. I remember never being able to sleep, and now I can recognize that it was because I was scared to. I always had my seizures while sleeping and as a result my mind wouldn't let me go to sleep. It sounds silly, but sleep is one of the most important things you achieve, for a healthy life style, ESPECIALLY as a child. Although, I was scared of sleeping and hated spending time in the hospital (which i did), I got some great memories from being epileptic. I remember my mom always bringing me chocolate milk before bedtime, and letting me watch I Love Lucy, until my eyes couldn't stay open. I also remember my dad always taking me to McDonald's after I'd get blood work done. Those are some of the best memories I have with my parents, and as Bethenny says, "Take the good and leave the bad." That is what I'll choose to take, the memories.

3) Being Dyslexic
This is something I still, technically, struggle with, but I've definitely overcome it. I remember feeling so different and slow as a child. Honestly, I felt stupid almost everyday. I had no self confidence due to dyslexia and had no idea how to get it. I didn't read my first book until after I graduated with my undergraduate degree. How ridiculous is that?! I remember telling my dear friend, Erin, about 2 years ago, "that if you read more, the better your reading comprehension gets." That may have been something everyone else learned in the 5th grade, but I guess I'm a late bloomer. Oh well, being dyslexic has made me a harder worker and I'm proud of that. It is possibly one of the main reasons I'm so driven now? I choose to take the skills I learned because I had to study harder, and leave the feeling of being stupid.

I feel confident that I've overcome most of my childhood noise. It has made me a better and more productive person. What is some of your childhood noise and how are you coping with it?

Cheers,
Garrett

Bethenny Knows Best

So, I hope this post doesn't come off too negative, but according to Bethenny, it doesn't matter as that's not what the "place of yes" is about!

To be honest, I haven't finished this book because I started reading it yesterday, and after only a few chapters, I'm into it. Bethenny described a few terms that made me realize that I totally relate to her and have some of the same struggles. To begin with, she describes a certain term of "noise", which is the clutter that is controlling our mind which enables us to clearly hear our "voice".

Wow, I've never thought of it that way, but it completely makes sense. Bethenny then explains that a person can have "noise" in any aspect of their life: relationship noise, friendship noise, professional noise, eating noise, and so on. Again, wow. To me, I've been aware of this for many years, but it felt good reading it and putting a name to all of my feelings.

So, where is all of my noise currently located? I would have to say relationship & professional noise, which are some of the most important areas to feel secure in, and I bet most people can relate to that area.

I think it says something that I decided to start reading A Place of Yes, on a Sunday afternoon while my boyfriend was napping right next to me. I'm stressed... Owning my own business is hard... Not because my job is hard, but because it is internally stressful. I don't have any support system or a team to rely on for help.. It's just me, and if you know me, I always put too much pressure on myself. So when I should be relaxing, I'm stressed and I don't allow myself to enjoy things... So I started reading because it made me feel like I was accomplishing something.

In regards to my relationship noise, this is no surprise to me. Not too long ago I told someone that I must have done some amazing things in my previous lives, because I currently have such a blessed life; except for one thing: I must have been a fucking cheater, because I have such a tortured relationship life. Okay, Okay. I know that not all my love relationships were horrible and I always learn a valuable lesson, but I am tortured when it comes to being intimate with people, even if it's self induced. BUT the good news about this information, is that I've already started to hear my voice!!! Without even reading Bethenny's book, I've been living by her advice. For instance, in efforts to clear my relationship noise, I got off Facebook.. This allowed me to not be so insecure or jealous by other people's actions.. I also began to date more, which allowed me to be exposed to new and exciting experiences, with taught me a lot about myself... BUT the most important thing that I did was recognize that I had a problem, and it wasn't anyone's but MINE. So many times people (myself included) try and start a relationship with someone with the notion that the other person will "fix" them. Let me tell you, it doesn't work. The only person who is responsible for dealing with insecurities or jealousy issues, is YOU! Of course you need a supportive partner, but not THE support. Trust me, I know from experience... A lot of experience.

I know I still have a lot of noise in my life, but I have found a small part of my voice. If you are struggling finding your voice, trust me, it's worth all the pain to discover it. It takes a lot of work and great amounts of humility, but once you achieve it then the rewards are worth it.

Where does your noise come from and what are you going to do to get rid of it?

Thanks Betenny!

Cheers,
G